by Dr. Gina Madrigrano | Jun 8, 2015 | Conscious Parenting, Parenting
Image courtesy of sakhom38 @FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Children of parents who practice mindfulness have less behaviour problems, have better social interactions, better emotional health and behavioural functioning (see studies by Singh et al., 2006, 2007). These parents also report that they are more satisfied with their parenting skills, and with the relationship with their children, Furthermore, parents who also practice meditation are better skilled at practicing mindfulness (Coyne & Murrell, 2009).
Overall, a mindfulness practice has multiple benefits: it is good for the body and the mind; it changes the brain in positive ways, by improving learning, memory, emotion regulation, emotion management; improves focus; improves the immune system; it fosters compassion; improves relationships; reduces symptoms of stress, PTSD, anxiety and depression, and many more (see www.greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness). Parents that are mindful are therefore passing onto their children this practice and there lies the benefits.
It seems that mindfulness has been a buzz in the last few years, but let me assure you it is not just another fad that will come and go. Mindfulness and meditation are well established practices in the Eastern traditions, and have existed for thousands of years. It is only in recent years that there has been a resurgence of these practices. Baby boomers might recall the 60s and 70s where the Beetles and the like we’re into transcendental meditation and yoga. The Western world has finally caught up with scientific research proving their benefit on mental and physical health.
In all practicality, how does one parent apply these practices in every day life? First, meditation and mindfulness are not mere techniques, they are states of mind and a way of life, of which bring less suffering, more presence and peace in one’s life. Second, once a person has experienced the benefits of these practices, there is no going back. It infiltrates your life and your being, and it has a positive impact not only on the person who adheres to these practices but also on the people that surround this individual. In this case, your own children.
For the purpose of brevity, I will only address mindfulness in this article. How does one practice mindfulness and what is it? When you Google the term mindfulness, you can find this simple definition ” A mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.” Some add an important factor which is to “accept without judgment”.
To practice mindfulness you first need to become aware of yourself and your surroundings. By this I mean, not be so entangled or lost in your thoughts. Your mind generates thoughts and you are able to notice this, thus you become the observer of your thoughts, emotions, feelings, and sensations coming from all five of your senses. Pay attention to your internal and external environments. Notice in the same way you would notice that the sky is grey, or that a plane just flew by. Don’t question, don’t judge, just observe.
One of the basic tenets of mindfulness is to reduce your identification with your thoughts and your feelings. To be able to do this, you need to be living in the present moment. The moment your thoughts are lost in the past, or planning or worrying about the future, you have just lost touch with the present moment. In turn, you are unable to become aware of what is happening in this moment in time. Mindfulness allows the person to be fully present in the now, fully in touch with what is happening at this moment. As a result, it greatly reduces suffering, and over reacting. If you are fully present to this moment and you do not judge it, consequently you are more at peace and less reactive. You are able to see a situation for what it is rather than for what it could be or what it represents based on your past traumas or wounds. It is essential to parent from this place rather than from a placed anchored in the past or fleeting to the future. Fear, anger, resentment stem from those wounds and in that moment you are no longer present to your child. You are re-acting to your own past or out of fear.
Mindfulness therefore allows you to notice the events in your life without reacting needlessly to them. It is a state where you become the observer of your thoughts, emotions and feelings instead of being an active participant. By having a bit of distance between the events and your thoughts, you are able to be present and respond from a place of stillness which will best correspond to your child’s actual needs.
This was a very brief overview of what mindfulness is and how beneficial it can be while parenting your children. Below are resources for detailed strategies on how to practice mindfulness:
VIDEO
Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn. A practical exercise of mindfulness
BOOKS
Eckhart Tolle. A New Earth.
Coyne and Murrell. The Joy of parenting.
McCurry. Parenting Your Anxious Child with Mindfulness and Acceptance.
by Dr. Gina Madrigrano | May 20, 2015 | Parenting
How do you take time to spread the love with your little ones? There are so many inexpensive ways you can show your children how much you love them without having to spend a dime.
I like to surprise my daughter and show her that I think of her even when we are not together by leaving her little surprises in her lunch box. This time, I carved “love u” and a couple of hearts in a carrot. And underneath the first layer, I had carved more stars and hearts. She loved it… And so did her little friends!
Other times I make a tiny card where a draw something real simple and i write her a nice thought. I may also draw something and write a note on a paper towel that I fold and place on top. Finally, sometimes I leave a little love note in a tiny tin container that she gets to open.
There are so many different ways to say I love you. The fact that you take the time means a lot to these little beings. It tells them that they matter. These little marks of attention are priceless and go a long way in feeding your children’s self esteem. Even away from you, they are reminded that you care and that they matter.
So start spreading a little love and leave little love notes to your child. Cut their sandwich in the shape of a heart. Cut a bunch of hearts in construction paper and place them in their lunch box. Leave them a note in their shoes or on their pillow, or in their pencil case, or in their text book. There are so many places where you can leave these little footprints of the love you have for them. And don’t go buying those ready made notes they sell at Hallmark. Make your own. If you are busy, make a few ahead of time so that they are ready for the week. No need to be fancy. What matters is that it be heartfelt and sincere. Use your imagination. Do it while you are watching TV if you have to. Make the time, take the time. Your child is worth it. And who doesn’t like to be reminded that they are loved?
by Dr. Gina Madrigrano | Jan 14, 2015 | Self care, wellness
The beauty of childhood is their imagination and their insatiable desire to dream. They are our greatest teachers. Dare to dream, as they do!
by Dr. Gina Madrigrano | Jan 14, 2015 | Parenting
Validation is key in any relationship. Parenting is the most important, challenging, difficult, yet most rewarding and joyful job out there. The power we have as parents over our children can be scary at times. It is my view that to build strong children emotionally and intellectually we need to offer a strong base so it can carry over throughout their entire life. Whether in couples’ therapy, work relationships, or teaching parenting skills, I always fall back on this basic principle “Before you offer any comment, solution or feedback when a person (or child, or spouse) comes to you with a problem, it is important to validate what the other person is saying if you want the resolution to happen, in a healthy manner”.
In my practice I see many children suffering with self-esteem issues, succumbing to peer pressure, victims or teasing or bullying, resorting to drugs, alcohol or sex to cope, even self-harm. I fell upon this great resource and I recommend it to any parent, whether struggling with difficulties or not with their children, or simply wanting to be “better parents”.
Clic on the link below to have an inside look of the book:
The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions by Karyn Hall and Melissa Cook.
by Dr. Gina Madrigrano | Oct 18, 2014 | Conscious Parenting, Parenting
Let’s put aside the debate on the impact of too much screen time on children. You’ve decided you were going to buy your child a cell phone. She /he’s. 9? 10? Hidden under the guise that it will be useful in case of an emergency. What happened to regular phones? Using the school phone? Another family’s phone? Let’s not go there.
When I asked one of my little clients, a tween, to call her friend when she felt bad as a way of coping. She told me she could not use the minutes on her cell phone. Then I proposed ” why don’t you use your home phone?” She replied that she couldn’t. “Because your mom is on the phone when you need it? ” I replied. She quickly answered that her friend wouldn’t pick up as she would not recognize the number. So I recommended that she text her friend first to warn her to pick up as she’d call from her home phone. She looked at me, and then laughed ” we don’t really talk on the phone, we text”. This is not my first tween or teen to give me the look as if I were beamed on earth from outer space and dare propose they connect between friends over the phone instead of over texts. What a concept to actually speak live. Pushed to the extreme, it’s not uncommon to see young people, in the same room, text to each other instead of speaking to each other. That’s another post. I won’t even go there for now.
Although kids owning expensive smart phones are almost the norm, they really have no idea how to connect with each other by actually talking LOL!
So herein lies the $1 million dollar question. If you’re going to waste $600-700 on a smart phone that will not be used as such , why not just give them an iPod touch and save $500 and even more by saving on costly monthly plans?
My iPod touch is literally the first generation one. I can face time, use email, internet, free text and free calls ( the App Majic Jack) etc. The only thing it doesn’t do is take pictures. Most kids have iPhones anyways, so between Apple products they get to do everything a smart phone does, without the costly investment…. And now, there is WiFi every where or you can borrow someone’s signal in case of an emergency.
Putting aside the issue of saving tons of cash. What are you teaching your kids about the value of things. I have to think twice before I get the newest generation iPhone since my 4S is working perfectly fine. What good reason do I have to justify the replacement and the cost, and polluting the environment with yet another piece of electronic that will fill our landfills? Not to mention that I refuse to be a locked into a two year plan, and be a slave of crazy cell costs that keep rising and I have no choice to switch.
Kids are a lot safer today than we were… Everyone has a cell phone, there is always someone hovering over them. Why can’t parents delay giving a cell phone? Or is it to appease their own anxious minds? Their tendency to hover because of their fears or controlling tendencies? They can’t handle the tantrum that will ensue if they say no? They are scared their kids will be bullied if they don’t have the latest cell phone like most, and dare to be different? Most these choices are fear based, and really is it justified? I think not.
If more parents stood up for their beliefs and weren’t so scared to stand out from the norm, which by the way is not a healthy norm, they would teach vicariously their own kids to stand up for themselves. Kids learn by imitation, not by being lectured to. If your words say one thing yet your actions contradict them, rest assured that your kids will follow your actions!
So before you reach out to get that $700 iPhone, while you’re stuck with a cheap flip phone, go to the next counter at the Apple store and get an iPod touch. It will do the job just fine and more! And there you go, you might have saved enough money to buy one or two plane tickets to Disney World, which trust me, will leave you and your kids with a lifetime worth of memories and awesome bonding… And leave those phones on the table while you’re at it, be with your kids and play! Have fun!
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