Usually it is more natural to think that children are the ones that need to grow up, not us :-). But you will be surprised to know, or maybe not, that children also allow us to grow up. You can read more about this in Dr Shefali Tsabary’s book on Conscious Parenting. It is simply a good read for all parents and she explains in more details how, while we parent our children, our old wounds tend to come up to the surface. And in the process this can at times taint our judgment when it comes to our interactions with our children.
When we accept that we too need to grow, and we open our eyes to the lessons our children place upon our paths, it actually strengthens our bond, and in the process we have a lot more compassion for our children.
Here is a video version of a previous Blog post. I hope you enjoy it.
It covers the multiple benefits of getting your children involved in chores from a young age. It is a mistake to only focus on academics…. then their self esteem is defined solely on academic success. What if your child struggles in school, then what? Too many times I see children’s self esteem suffer because they define their worth on externals, such as academics or sports.
Chores, among other things, allow children to build their self esteem, a sense of mastery, competency, responsibility, and many other skills and qualities. We need to shift our negative focus from chores being”chores” and rather opportunities to connect, take a break, be mindful while doing a task and thus disconnecting from complicated life issues or struggles.
Maybe after watching this video you too will see your household responsibilities in a totally different light… Enjoy!
Photo Credits: This presentation contains images that were used under a Creative Commons License. Click here to see the full list of images and attributions: https://app.contentsamurai.com/cc/2588
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Although a certain amount of conflict between spouses is to be expected, there are ways to fight and argue in front of your kids that are acceptable but there are ways that simply foster fear and anxiety.
If you don’t know how to fight fair it is best to spare your children. Also, please don’t expose them to adult issues. They are too young to understand and it just confuses them, worries them, and creates fear in them. Children are too young to hear about your financial problems, your work problems, or hear you bad mouth a neighbour, friends or family member.
When you know how to fight fair, and of course make up afterwards, you actually teach your children that it is normal to have disagreements with someone and you still love them regardless. It teaches them to stand up for themselves, to be assertive and not fear being rejected or unloved. It feels safe.
However, when parents resort to screaming, verbal abuse, insults, throwing things, threats, leave for very long stretches of time (e.g. 8 hours to days) and so on, children get scared. They worry that their parents will get hurt, they worry that they will leave and not come back, and they fear for their safety. Whether you know this or not, children feel the urge to protect their parents and they worry for them.
We are our children’s first teachers. We teach our children how to cope with conflict because they observe us and simply imitate us. They will carefully mirror back to us what we will have taught them, and then we will witness how they argue with us, their friends and other adults. Remember that. What children witness in their homes they repeat within the family system or in the school yard.
This is how bullies are made: redirected aggression. They can’t hurt their parents so they take it out on their siblings or their peers, or even the family pet. Hurt people, hurt people.
If you can’t keep your act together the least you can do is to not punish or scold your children when they freak out, because they are simply repeating what you, the adults, are doing. So when your child exhibits behaviour that you deem unacceptable, the first thing to do is to look in the mirror and first ask yourself if you exhibit this behaviour in any way. If you do, YOU need to change your behaviour first and your child will follow.
YOU need to own up to the dysfunctional coping style, apologize and reassure your children that you are working at bettering yourself. YOU need to take control of your anger and learn healthy ways to fight. YOU need to keep these destructive scenes away from your children.
So if your children’s angry outbursts upset and annoy you, as I said, first look in the mirror and see where in your life do you act in the same way. Your child most likely learned it from you. Your corrective lectures or punishments are hypocrisy if you exhibit the same unacceptable behaviour as your child. How can you teach a child not to hit, not to scream or throw things, be respectful if you yourself don’t put it into practice. It will just confuse them, you lose face, you lose their respect. Not to mention that you are teaching them a double standard: that people can hurt them but they can’t hurt people.
Children exposed to high conflict parents become bullies themselves or victims of bullies, they develop anxiety, depression , poor self esteem, poor coping skills, they take it out on their siblings, it teaches siblings to bully and mistreat each other, it teaches lack of respect. it makes them exhibits symptoms akin to ADHD (can’t concentrate, fidget, oppositional etc), it makes them fearful, some want to run away from home, they resent their parents, and on and on. These are but a few of the consequences of witnessed parental conflict that I have seen in my office over the years…
Furthermore, if you mistreat your spouse, it also teaches your children how to treat their boyfriends and girlfriends later on in adolescence and adulthood. You set the stage for how their relationships are likely to unfold What you model as a couple is most likely what your children will seek out with a partner. Regardless of the gender of the child. It is what we call intergenerational transmission of patterns. So if you don’t want your child to grow up to become an abuser or a victim, don’t expose them to these models.
Finally, if you cannot do it on your own, please seek counselling… and if it is passed the point of no return, for the sake of your children… end the relationship. Divorce is not traumatic to children, but high conflict is.
Lecturing them about how to behave during a conflict is a waste of time. Children learn by what they see not what they hear. You need to trust me on that one. Change your behaviour and you will see your child’s behaviour change as well.
How do you take time to spread the love with your little ones? There are so many inexpensive ways you can show your children how much you love them without having to spend a dime.
I like to surprise my daughter and show her that I think of her even when we are not together by leaving her little surprises in her lunch box. This time, I carved “love u” and a couple of hearts in a carrot. And underneath the first layer, I had carved more stars and hearts. She loved it… And so did her little friends!
Other times I make a tiny card where a draw something real simple and i write her a nice thought. I may also draw something and write a note on a paper towel that I fold and place on top. Finally, sometimes I leave a little love note in a tiny tin container that she gets to open.
There are so many different ways to say I love you. The fact that you take the time means a lot to these little beings. It tells them that they matter. These little marks of attention are priceless and go a long way in feeding your children’s self esteem. Even away from you, they are reminded that you care and that they matter.
So start spreading a little love and leave little love notes to your child. Cut their sandwich in the shape of a heart. Cut a bunch of hearts in construction paper and place them in their lunch box. Leave them a note in their shoes or on their pillow, or in their pencil case, or in their text book. There are so many places where you can leave these little footprints of the love you have for them. And don’t go buying those ready made notes they sell at Hallmark. Make your own. If you are busy, make a few ahead of time so that they are ready for the week. No need to be fancy. What matters is that it be heartfelt and sincere. Use your imagination. Do it while you are watching TV if you have to. Make the time, take the time. Your child is worth it. And who doesn’t like to be reminded that they are loved?
Some people hated mother Teresa, or Oprah… Goes to prove you can’t please everyone. You can’t control what people think of you and you can’t have it control you.
Whether it’s an opinion, a life choice, the way you dress, the music you like, the religion you follow or don’t follow, there will always be someone who disagrees with your chosen path. It is well known that many famous people and pioneers, initially were not well liked. People don’t like change, don’t like “different”. It makes them uncomfortable. Change requires people to stretch a little and not everyone is ready to do so. Some people may criticize your choices out of insecurity because it forces them to question their own choices or the status quo.
It takes courage to go against the flow, to make unpopular choices that people attempt to force you to justify. What if her or his choice mean that my choices are wrong? Can often be the underlying insecurity.
Some people go through life being people pleasers at their own expense. They make other people happy, they avoid conflict or rocking the boat, but at what price. Over the years, people-pleasing takes a toll on an individual, and it is not uncommon, years later, to see these people in my office, suffering with depression, anxiety, have pent up anger and resentments, etc. To later realize they’ve compromised their choices because they were scared of what people might think. And then to be resentful of the same people they attempted to please because they chose to not care what people thought of them.
When dying people are interviewed, one of the wishes that keeps coming up is that they should have lived the life they wanted to live not the one people wanted them to live.
So live your life fully, do no harm, and remember that what people think of you is really none of your business. You can’t make everyone happy and not everyone will like you. That’s simply a fact, deal with it, and carefully pick the ones who will have the privilege of being part of your life.
And remember this, trying to please everyone, in a way is a very selfish and controlling act, as you rob people of the freedom to respond to the real you, you are doing impression management, and in no way is this an authentic way to live life!
Some people hated mother Teresa, or Oprah… Goes to prove you can’t please everyone. You can’t control what people think of you and you can’t have it control you.
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